kecil

sudah lama tidak menulis.

hari ini bermula seperti biasa. tapi petang ini entah mengapa tiba-tiba aku terasa begitu kecil sekali.

aku rasa begitu hina.
begitu rendah diri.
begitu kosong.
rasa seperti hidup aku ini tiada berkepentingan.
buat diri sendiri, keluarga, teman, mereka di sekeliling apatah lagi mereka yang langsung tidak mengenali diri.

aku benci rasa sebegini. tapi itu lah yang aku rasa kebelakangan ini.
seperti ada yang kekurangan. kekosongan yang perlu di isi. dengan apa? aku pun tidak pasti.

aku rasa begitu kecil.

tag

I was tagged by a friend. Contemplating whether should or shouldn’t I fill them in. Finally I decided to give it a try. No harm I suppose. Am not sure though what exactly should I put in (ya ya, I know it should be random), but since the friend had already done it, I took what was written in there and put in my take. Can do lah.

Directions:

Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you.
At the end, choose ten people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

1. The most precious people in my life? I would agree that my family would come first especially my youngest brother and my nephew.
2. Things I love? Material-wise, I don’t value them much. Take CDs or records for example, no matter how much I love that particular artist(es), I would most probably sell or give them away after a year or two.
3. Things that annoyed me most? I’m most annoyed by my lack of guts!
4. People that I care and love? I love every single being around me no matter how they feel about me. Yeah, that includes that rabid dog which is always has his eyes on me at Brickfields. Jaga lu!
5. Memories that I value most? A lots. From my childhood, years in Seremban, punk, loathing in Shah Alam, loves gone awry, etc etc…
6. Again, things I hate? (perhaps more specific this time) – And again, I HATE my lack of guts and commitmentphobia. I’m not able to declare my feelings. Which I believe is the reason of my unfruitful r/ship. Never once in my life that I be the first to confess my feelings, it had always be the other way around – which was a relief! And, and when I did that once – I failed miserably!
7. My favourite number? I never know. Really. 18 maybe. My birthday and my future girlfriend age. LOL. Nak mampus.
8. Am I an animal lover? Depends. But I’m a cat-person for sure. Love to look at puppies and hope one day, I’ll be brave enough to belai-belai them. (no, not religion thingy that is stopping me now, just so you know)
9. Can I get infuriated easily? Recovering, perhaps. No joke!
10. Do I trust in people? Unfortunately, I do. Not entirely though, especially if I could sense retaliation, but I’m at 97% of the time would only share things that wouldn’t do harm to me. Otherwise, it would be kept with me til I die.
11. Again, things I love? (perhaps more specific this time) I put this up on my facebook. I love kids, cats, (cute) girls, good foods, good books, good movies, good loud (and melodic) music and 1001 other stuffs. And I like someone which is NOW I feel that could NEVER tell her and NOTHING will ever happen between the two of us. Nothing.
12. About me? Commitmentphobia opti-pessimist idealist-bed-revolutionist
13. My worst attitude? I can’t be talam dua (2) muka, which is crucial at this age.
14. Do I have any hesitation? A lot. Due to my inability to show my true feelings, people around me tend to get bore and feels that they are not valued. If that what it takes, I will try harder and harder and harder.
15. What I can’t stand most? Too many.
16. What I afraid most? Being misinterpreted, misunderstood and am not able to amend things.

Friends to be tagged?

Nah..I’ll skip ;)

mengantuk but it feels good nonetheless

wah. dari semalam bangun seawal jam9 pagi. basuh pakaian. ke kedai printing (mahal!) di sekitar tmn desa. banyak pamphlet juga poster/infomercial yang perlu di print dan tanpa disedari sudah hampir jam12 siang. bergegas ke lokasi di ampang. sebaik tiba, lebih kurang jam 1230 siang, sudah terdapat sejumlah teman di sana, terutama penganjur sendiri. ramai yang sudah siap menyusun-atur "space" mereka. hari ini aku jadi wakil NOSC. tugas aku? tampal segala yang aku print tadi. siapkan uncang beg untuk di letakkan pamphlet yang sudah di print, dan jika ada yang ingin tahu lebih lanjut akan soal kolektif, memberi bantuan dan menjawab pertanyaan. ringkas. malah jadi lebih ringkas bila tiada seorang pun yang akhirnya bertanya soal kolektif. patut kah aku gembira kerana tidak perlu melayan kerenah dan seribu macam persoalan? aku harus. namun, aku rasa sebaliknya. hurm...

apa-apapun, pendapat aku, gig semalam agak well-organised. memang terdapat sedikit "loop hole" di sana sini, tapi aku rasa nothing major. objektif tercapai. pada pandangan aku lah. yang aku lihat tujuan gig semalam ada lah untuk semacam empowering womyn especially those yang involve di dalam "scene". mungkin lebih di dalam diy konteks. penglibatan dalam soal2 administrasi penganjuran gig, ekualiti di dalam mosh pit etc. begitu juga bagi aku salah satu dari workshop yang aku sempat hadiri, aku dapati ia menarik dan sekurang-kurangnya, memberi ilmu baru kepada aku. nah. tidak aku pernah terfikir soal alternatives pad! menarik cuma aku fikir jika lebih ramai yang participate ia akan jadi lebih menarik. tapi apa daya, jika semua orang ke tingkat dua, maka band yang perform di bawah, akan main untuk empty audience pula bukan?

turn-out yang sangat memberangsangkan. aku jangka lebih kurang 300-400 orang hadir semada sebagai penganjur, pemain musik, crew dan yang lain-lain. angka yang bagi aku, luar biasa mungkin? begitu pun aku sangat berpuas hati kerana dapat berjumpa kenalan lama & baru, juga mereka yang sebelumnya mungkin "oh, i saw you at this and this gig a few time, but never got the chance to tegur2 or sembang2 lah. what's your name again, sir/mam?" sort of friend. hehe.. managed to bought some good books and zines; dapat restraint diri dari godaan cd2 menarik yang akhirnya - GAGAL di sebaik pulang ke StudioShopSpace, wow...Glenn (Singapore friend) ada bawa a few copies of a few titles of CDs of a few of my "Wanted List" bands. So, I bought all four; Stop It!, Circle Takes The Square, The Red Chord and the fucking Daughters. Ah, still owe PakTua the cash lah. By any chance if some day that En Azhan looking at this, please remind me to pay you back yah.

Stop It! Mula-mula dengar nama mereka melalui interview di dalam HeartAttack. Sangat berminat untuk find out pasal mereka. Namun tidak kesempatan mendengar serta lebih penting memiliki full-length mereka. Damn! Fucking brilliant post-fucking-punk-rock! PERIOD!

Since aku berjaya dapatkan CD mereka, itu really made my day yang masih sampai kini hampir jam10 pagi Ahad, masih belum lelapkan mata dan yang paling tak tahan, di pejabat seawal jam 730 pagi di (sekali lagi) pagi Ahad yang sepatutnya di habiskan di bilik menonton DVD atau membaca buku-buku karya Prem atau bersama teman-teman bercanda di tepian kolam.

Tammat.